Dear Epic Mess Fans

Hi there,

(In Troy McClure voice) I’m Anthony Burrola. You might remember me from such blogs as, “Defending Chris Bosh” and the timeless “The Case Against Dynasties.” If you knew me before I was blogging at http://www.epicmess.wordpress.com, then you probably know that once in a while I enjoy writing Mailbags. They are a lot of fun, and my readers, most of whom are famous, tend to take time out of their busy days to vent to me, ask me questions, make comments, or even seek advice. While I am no Miss Cleo, Dr. Phil, Jesus Christ, or the Easter Bunny, I have been known to deliver the goods.

It’s at this time that I’d like to open the floor for my new readers. If you have any appropriate questions that you want to ask or are curious about, preferably sports-related, or about people in sports, then e-mail them to me at AMBurrola@csu.fullerton.edu by today, 4 May 2011. Then, join me here on Cinco De Mayo, 5 May 2011 (Thursday), as I’ll dedicate an entire post to answering the questions of my answers. If you’re too lazy to click the link, read the whole thing (it’s kind of long), or are unsure how to write a question, then take an English class, and read the excerpt from my 2010 NFL Mailbag.

Q: I’m worried man. As I write this, I’ve had as many as four different quarterbacks throw the ball to me over the past two seasons. My main man can never get healthy, and he is always hurtin’ his shoulder. Seriously, I spent half of last season running routes and watching balls sail over my head because Daunte Culpepper sucks. This year, I’ve shown up to games not knowing who is gonna be my quarterback. Shaun Hill, Drew Stanton, Matthew Stafford. Do you know what kind of toll that has on you as a player? I’m still catching balls, but I can’t take this quarterback musical chairs anymore. What did Motor City ever do to deserve this kind of karma?!

C. Johnson, Detroit.

AB: Thanks for venting. I know life can be hard as Detroit Lion, and even harder as a Detroit resident, but you have to hang in there. I don’t want to see you selling drugs and doing contract killings for Victor Sweet (FOUR BROTHERS reference). Trust me, man. It’s not worth it. He killed that old lady, and let me spoil how it ends for you, Mark Wahlberg kills him. That’s right. You don’t want to go down that route (South Park/Pet Cemetery reference). I honestly empathize with your situation. Not knowing who your quarterback is, sometimes until gametime, can cause some serious psychological damage. That’s almost exactly what life as a porn star is like. Think about it: professional athletes and “professional” pornographic actors/actresses are very similar (Somewhere Peter North is reading this and yelling, “YOU TRY DOING WHAT I DO!” at his computer screen). They are both naturally gifted at what they do, they both practice A LOT in their free time, they will both play with just about ANYBODY who is down, and they are BUILT for their profession. But life as a porn star can be tough(Now he’s calming down…assuming he hasn’t stopped reading.). They don’t find out who they’re going to be working with until they show up on set, much like you right now. I imagine the conversations you’re having before the game aren’t at all unlike those you would see on set of a porn movie. I’m not going to demonstrate, as this is a PG-13 site, but you get the picture. I feel for you man. Just try not to combine the two professions with whomever your quarterback is. That might get a little awkward in the locker room.

Yes, these are real questions asked by real readers. Famous readers. If you are still confused, feel free to shoot me a Tweet at @epicmess. If your question could fit in a Tweet, then by all means, be my guest and bypass the e-mail.

I hope to hear from all different walks of life, antelope not included (because Lions EAT the antelope), and am looking forward to answering your questions.

Sincerely,

Anthony Burrola

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3 Responses to “Dear Epic Mess Fans”

  1. daniel "cool beans" lee Says:

    Is it just me or is Kevin Durant in the business of offering compliments to egotistical or undeserving players? (Zack Randolph, Kendrick Perkins)

  2. Sina Says:

    The Falcons addressed mainly offensive issues during this past draft, do you think they can get to the top now or is the defense still going to be an issue that they completely overlooked?

  3. Sam Says:

    You had a point with Pau not making any of your all nba teams. I’m still waiting for him to show up these playoffs.
    Anyway, here’s my question:
    Would you wanna kick Barea’s ass? Because in the famous words of Carlton, “I would.”

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