An Epic Mess of All-NBA First, Second, and Third Teams

I love controversy. If it weren’t for controversial issues, people that write about them wouldn’t exist.Then there are people who create controversy.  People like me.

Awards in the NBA can be as controversial as hot topics like abortion and gay marriage. Both incur the wrath of fanatical fans (redundant? Sue me.) who have their own opinions on these matters. And we all know that when it comes to matters such as these, EVERYONE is an expert.

Well, far be it for me to say that people are wrong. I respect you and your opinions, but I know enough not to expect the same.

With that said, here are one man’s picks for subjective and dubious awards that ultimately mean nothing in the grand scheme of things (you know, kind of like the MVP. Speaking of which, what’s with the NBA’s hesitance to introduce an Offensive Player of the Year award? It can’t be because they don’t want to prioritize individual performance over team status, right? That would mean that all their awards would have to be axed. Instead of just an MVP and Defensive Player of the Year award, why not add an OPOY [or OPY for short, in honor of Ron Howard and his overrated directorial prowess] award into the mix? Just saying…)

All NBA First Team

Forward: Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder

Forward: LeBron James, Miami Heat

Center:  Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

Guard: Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

Guard: Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers

Not much controversy here. Durant led the league in scoring for the second year in a row, LeBron led the Heatles to the second best record in the East, Dwight grew a hideous goatee and had six 20-20 games (points and rebounds), Rose is the consensus MVP of the league, and Kobe is Kobe. All of the first four are shoe-ins, but what surrounds the Kobe pick is sure to be a slew of Laker-haters and LeBron-lovers that think Dwayne Wade deserves this spot. Suffice it to say that Kobe couldn’t be Kobe if he were devoid of controversy. He’d be Kobert. Or Dobe.

Smile, Kob'. You're still on the All NBA First Team! What? You...you don't care? Well, you can kiss my @!#.

Instead, he’s Kobe, and it follows him like a freshly hatched duckling follows its mother. To me, this was a statistical tie, and the Heat barely had a better record than the Lakers. That is a tie, too, because the East, despite its impressive top 3, still has an inferior lower 5. The West is tough from 1-8, as the Memphis Grizzlies and New Orleans Hornets are singing some Wu-Tang Clan “Ain’t Nothin’ to F’With.” Memphis, which is the 8th seed in the West, would be the 5th seed in the East, and would be a scarier team than the 5th-seeded Atlanta Hawks. Sorry, Atlanteans, but it’s true. So, despite the Heat’s better record, it’s still Even Steven.

Kobe’s numbers: 25.3 ppg (on his lowest shots attempted average in almost a decade), 4.7 apg, 5.1 rpg, 1.2 spg, and 82% free throws in 34 minutes played and all 82 games played.

Dwayne’s numbers: 25.5 ppg, 4.6 apg, 6.4 rpg, 1.8 spg, 1 bpg, and 75% free throws in 37 minutes played and 76 games played.

Kobe shoots a better FT%, but worse at FG%(45% to Dwayne’s 50%-but seriously, he’s playing with an avulsion fraction in his shooting hand. There’s no excuse for not shooting a better FT% than him, Dwayne. And you SHOULD be shooting a better FG%). He does virtually the same but in less minutes played, and also boasts more games played. It’s as close to even as we’re ever going to see, and the tie should go to the defending NBA Champion and winner of most games played. That’s Kobe. If the Heat win this year (decent chance, but I have Boston coming out of the East), and the same tie exists next year between Kobe and Dwayne, expect me to pick Kobe again.

Just kidding. I’ll pick Dwayne.

All NBA Second Team

Forward: Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks

Forward: LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland Trail Blazers

Center: Amar’e Stoudemire, New York Knicks

Guard: Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder

Guard: Dwayne Wade, Miami Heat

Second place, Dwayne, not bad! On the controversy scale, my second team is about a 7.5 (8.5 if the omission of Dwayne from the first team carries over for you). Of the names you might be wondering about, I assure you, Carmelo Anthony is not more deserving than Aldridge, and Chris Paul is not more deserving than Westbrook.

Carmelo played great this season, especially during the New York Knicks most recent win-streak. However, while on the Nuggets, his team was more up and down than the last three seasons of “Heroes,” and they were winning despite him, not because of him. While on the Knicks, the story was the same, except they fell from the 6th seed to the 7th seed upon his arrival, and even had a fat losing streak.

Aldridge, on the other hand, dealt with adversity like champ. He emerged from the Fall of Brandon Roy as the franchise player on a playoff jobber. He’s not a top 20 player in the league yet, but he played like one. That’s why he deserves to be on the second team. In addition to that, his omission from the NBA All-Star team was a sham. How dare you, NBA fans and coaches. How dare you.

And if that’s not enough, did you really think I’d pick two Knicks to be on the second team? Seriously? Are you being serious right now? In the words of Julius Caesar Hubie Brown, “Come on now.”

Russell Westbrook > Chris Paul because of record and similar statistics. No argument there (Paul is the better player, but Russell deserves the award).

All NBA Third Team

Forward: Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks

Forward: Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics

Center: Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks

Guard: Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs

Guard: Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets

My All NBA Third Team just got me baptized by fire in the respective cohort of NBA analysts and NBA fans. 11.873333 out of 10. I know what you’re thinking. How can I leave out Ray Allen, Blake Griffin, Kevin Love, Pau Gasol, Deron Williams, and Steve Nash?

You’ve put me in an awkward position here, but um…because they don’t deserve it?

Chris Paul HAS to be on there. He’s the only All-Star that led his team to the playoffs all by his lonesome (and with the injury to his second best player nearly dooming their playoff chances). Some would say he deserves to be higher than Westbrook, but I don’t think so. Parker needs to be on there as the best and most consistent player on the team with the best record in the West. I can’t put Rondo on there because his team slid in the standings, mostly because of his malaise after the Perkins trade (the argument you could make against me here is that if they slid because of his play, they were thriving because of his play as well-but shhh. You didn’t hear that from me). I can’t replace Paul or Parker with him. Sorry.

Pierce needs to be on there because he’s the most deserving player on the Celtics team, which won 56 games. Nash didn’t qualify for the playoffs, so he’s out. Plus, he missed too many games. Horford was more a product of a lack of Centers in the league. Had Andrew Bynum been healthy, this award would probably be his. But then again, we could say the same thing for Yao Ming every year. Griffin and Love both made the All-Star team, so I figure it’d be them that hurt the least from their omissions. Griffin is only a rookie and, even though he played well enough to be an All-Star, did not lead his team to greatness. Nor should he. HE’S A ROOKIE. I have to go with the veteran Pierce on this one.

Love did something that nobody since Moses Malone has been able to do. That’s impressive. Unfortunately, there isn’t an award for a player who does historically well on a historically bad team. Carmelo made the playoffs (and would have on both teams he played for) and put up great individual numbers. Gasol started the season in amazing fashion, and even convinced me to trade for him in my fantasy basketball league (a trade I don’t regret, either, since Deron Williams hardly played in the last month of the season). Unfortunately, he couldn’t keep up his torrid pace. Plus, have you seen him in these playoffs? I know I’m not supposed to factor that in, but let’s be real…he’s been Gasawful (patent-pending).

Disagree with me if you want to, but these are my picks. Choosing these awards is a losing proposition. I can’t win. Keep in mind that this is just one man’s opinion.

One great man’s opinion.

Till next time.

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4 Responses to “An Epic Mess of All-NBA First, Second, and Third Teams”

  1. Pau Gasol Says:

    fuuuck you, jackass.

  2. dwill's bff Says:

    I like the Hubbie Brown reference lol…gasol too soft this year to be mentioned

  3. daniel "cool beans" lee Says:

    Kobe is Kobe is Kobe is Kobe. I’d pick him even when he retires.

  4. laron Says:

    “Kobe couldn’t be Kobe if he were devoid of controversy. He’d be Kobert. Or Dobe.”

    Possible baby names?

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